I found out about BADD (Beating Alcohol and Drug Disorders) when my neighbour Macca told me about it. Me being a spice head couldn’t and wouldn’t get a job. So I found this the perfect opportunity to get off the wing for my own benefits which were negative ones e.g. to get a nice brew and if lucky meet new people to score off. Sounds selfish I know but that was me all over. To give you a rough idea what I was like I stole begged borrowed sold everything I owned all for spice, broke all the rules and spice had broken me, I was its bitch. Anyway I went to first group.
When I got there I was shocked, not only run by cons but no screws in the room and me having trust issues with authority. This made me feel at ease and I actually listened to what was being said.
Week two. Still using but went to BADD group straight not because of manipulating the system but because I was actually interested in the group and when one of the lads did his share I knew how raw and deep this journey was going to be.
Week three. I actually did my share something I never seen myself doing. Sharing my most inner darkest secrets especially in a room full of prisoners, it felt good and I actually found a stir of emotion which I didn’t think I possessed. I had a mixed week after that using one on one day off kidding myself it was alright because I wasn’t using as often.
Week four. Don’t use before group, that is a no no if nothing else. I have to respect and trust these people. I am getting loads from group. The lads Sando and Ste (facilitators) have become like a family to me. I actually feel like I belong. I even find myself opening up more.
Week five. Broke the most important rule and used before group. Went in smashed and got bollocked off Sando and Ste and the lads rightly so. I actually felt embarrassed and this is my turning point. The week ahead was a bit of self pity and using but after the weekend had a serious word with myself, cleaned myself up and went to the group that week clean. That was week six.
I am clean and I actually want to be clean for me, for myself and my self respect. Been in addiction since 13 whether it be drink, drugs or both and now this is where my recovery begins. I can actually see light at the end of the tunnel. I have BADD to thank for making me see that I do matter and that people do care. I am looking forward to the next 6 weeks and the rest of my life. Everything is good and then Christmas came round. This is no excuse but I started using again. This is for 3 days but it’s still using.
Week seven. Got a good kick up the arse off Sando and Ste and the lads and this is just what I needed.
Week eight. Still not used and I am already feeling the benefits of not using. Talking to my son again, took up reading and even got a job as a painter. I can feel my self-respect creeping back.
Week nine. Still clean. My son now knows the full story and now I am staying clean for me as well as him and this can be used as one of my tools for recovery.
Week ten. Still not using and actually enjoying life. Normality feels good if there is actually such a thing. I have been offered spice a few times and knocked it back and it felt good truth be told. It was euphoric and a better rush than any drug can give you. This is another tool in my arsenal.
Week 11. Now all debts are repaid, still clean and looking forward to my next canteen. This course has shown being without chemicals life is worth living and my outlook on life is totally different. I have done jail and detox’s but have always used drugs or alcohol. Now I want to be clean and stay clean. For me its taken a long time but I can now hold my head up high and say I am clean and with the help of these guys that’s the way it’s to stay. 1 day at a time, I am actually glad to be alive and proud of who I am. I want to say thanks to Sando Ste and all the lads ( on the BADD course) you have changed my life for the better and I couldn’t have done it without you.
I am in the Mulberry and they have housed me and given me a solid platform to work off and given me the right tools to work with. I am forever grateful for Mulberry changing my life and encouraging me in my recovery. I concentrate too much on the drug side of things and I have to be more mindful that drink is my problem as well as drugs.
Thankyou Mulberry, the lads and all my peers for your support and understanding.